


stay as you are, you're the only reason why i really love you

by starryeojin



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Author cant write, Hurt/Comfort, Hwang Hyunjin is a Good Boyfriend, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, Pet Names, Rants, Self Confidence Issues, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This doesnt really make sense, also jisung picks at his fingers so tw for that too, hyunjin calls jisung angel who else cried, i dont remember writing half of it, i love the fact that thats a tag, i miss him :(, idk dude just enjoy this hot mess, idk jisung is just insecure, im projecting again :/, oh also jisung gets glass in his hands kinda so tw for that bc theres a lil blood, that should just be the summary lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-25 07:08:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30085362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starryeojin/pseuds/starryeojin
Summary: jisungs just having a rlly rough week. he doesnt get why people tell him he deserves love. so he punches stuff and screams. kinda. not really. just read it i swear its not as bad or violent as it sounds :)
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 39





	1. part 1

maybe it was his fault he hadn’t noticed how red and raw his fingers had looked. and that he was too busy taking notes to realize how much his leg was bouncing under the table. maybe he had noticed it, but he unconsciously didn’t care. maybe hwang hyunjin was to blame for all of the events that conspired after 9pm on a normal friday in february. but really, who’s to say?

jisung had always been a worrier. it’s etched into his dna, can’t be changed. he wasn’t going to risk looking weak in exchange for receiving the help that he knew he needed. when things got too bad, when it felt like fire ants had built their homes underneath his skin, he had his ways to cope. though they certainly weren’t the healthiest ways. but really, who’s to say?

“-ungie, sungie,” a voice floated through the fog that clouded jisung’s brain, “hey sungie, are you alright?” his head slowly turned to the voice’s origins.

“y-yeah, what’s up?” he replied, though unconvincingly.

“you were spacing out again angel, are you sure everything’s alright?” hyunjin’s face became unblurred as his eyes came back into focus.

“yup, all good,” he smiled reassuringly, before going back into outer space. 

something about today wasn’t letting jisung’s brain stay in focus. the more effort he put into trying to keep his vision clear, the more his eyelids began to close in an agonizingly slow fashion. the voice of reason in his head (that he so often tried to quiet) scolded him for staying up late staring at the ceiling the night before.

there was an empty energy drink can lying in a trashcan somewhere on campus, which had proved itself to be utterly useless. it’d only made his heartbeat speed up to a pattern that would probably be considered unhealthy by most doctors. 

not that he cared, he didn’t pay any attention to his health anyways. he skipped meals, (not on purpose, he swears) didn’t drink any water, like at all. he lacked a sleep schedule entirely, sometimes staying up until 6am and waking up at 2pm, other times falling asleep at 6pm and waking up and 2am. 

and yeah, he admits, maybe the occasional scratching his arms until they bleed and the excessive caffeine consumption didn’t exactly help his case, but who cares. he wasn’t dead, he wasn’t failing any classes (though he was one missed assignment away in several), and he wasn’t lonely. most of the time.

but sometimes his head liked to slip away from reality completely, in order to do what? jisung didn’t think he would ever find out.

but he figured today was one of those days. even though hyunjin was literally sitting close enough that he could reach over and touch him, his brain didn’t even register the fact that there was a person there. to his brain it was empty space, a blindspot. 

his leg bounced up and down under the table, his eyes unfocused and glued to a piece of lint on the floor in front of him. he knew he’d regret it later, when it was late at night and he was sitting at his computer trying to understand what the fuck was going on in this class, but as for now, he truly couldn’t care less. his brain refused to register words such as ‘test’ or ‘50% of this semester grade’ that came out of the professors mouth. 

and so, regret it he did. 

the dorm room that jisung and hyunjin shared was near empty. jisung had himself tucked into the tightest ball he could on the bottom bunk. his shoulders shook with every muffled sob that wracked his body, his lungs filling with fire at every breath. 

his laptop sat open on the same page it had for the past hour and a half. hyunjin was supposed to be back 45 minutes ago, at 8:35pm. but it was okay, because jisung had been telling himself that it would be for the past 20 minutes. whether he believed it or not was purely irrelevant.  
the voice of reason in his head was back again, to his dismay, telling him how stupid and useless he was for not being able to finish this one, easy, simple assignment. this time tho, he definitely believed it. 

because it was true, right? every event that had led up to this moment in time was purely his fault. the not sleeping, the zoning out, all of it. hell, it was probably his fault hyunjin wasn’t back yet, too. why would anyone want to put up with someone as intolerable as him, right? have to deal with his crybaby self, have to constantly tell him to not pick at his fingers, or scratch at the skin on his arms. he was sick of it, right? he had to be, there was no other explanation.  
it didn’t make sense, hyunjin said he loved him. maybe he was lying. he’d never lied before, but he had to lie about this because he didn’t want to break his heart, and all his other essential organs, too soon. maybe he had lied, but he’d never gotten caught. and maybe, jisung had driven him away. with his bad sleeping and eating habits that were simply too much to keep up with, and the way his brain moved too fast and the fact that when he did finally eat, his cheeks puffed up like a squirrel. 

hyunjin had always been too good for him, he knew this, but he didn’t want it to change anything, so he pretended he wasn’t. he pretended that he was good, all the time. fake it ‘till you make it, right? maybe jisung was the liar all along. 

he waited and waited for the door to swing open and that warm pair of lean arms to wrap his tiny frame in a tight embrace. he felt like he’d waited long enough that it would never come.  
until his phone rang and startled him out of his trance. 

he poked his head out of his cocoon, face wet with tears and eyes red. 

it was hyunjin, because of course it was hyunjin. hyunjin who always called, never texted him, because he never knew how to express things correctly through text and he didn’t ever want jisung to think he was mad at him. because he was perfect, unlike jisung.

he picked it up with a shaking hand and pulled it hesitantly to his ear.

“ji?” the voice on the other end crackled to life.

“yeah, what’s going on?” he tried his best to mask the shakiness of his voice.

“i’m so sorry angel, i had to help innie with his english assignment,” his tone was filled to the brim with apologeticness, but jisung’s voice of reason told him that he was lying. “are you okay right now or should i come home?”

“i’m gre-at, jinnie, don’t worry about me,” jisung’s voice wavered. shit, he thought, he probably thinks i'm so clingy.

“you sure?” jisung was the opposite of sure, “you know when you say that i only worry more. i’ll be back in ten.” and then the line went silent. he didn’t even give him the chance to protest. 

ten minutes. ten minutes. what was he supposed to do with ten minutes? his face was a mess, he decided, standing up to put his slippers on and head to the bathroom.

it was empty, the only sound being the faint buzz of the fluorescent lights overhead. the face he saw in the mirror looked distorted. was it really him? 

the voice was back yet again, telling him how disgusting he looked. how disgusting and ugly and unlovable and what a crybaby he was and how it was impossible for anyone to put up with him and-

“SHUT UP!!” jisungs scream echoed throughout the room as a fist collided with the mirror that displayed his tear stained and splotchy face not moments before. a sharp pain shot through his knuckles. the shards of glass were all around, reflecting all of the parts of himself he hated the most. 

pick up the glass, the voice instructed him, clean up the mess you made, you piece of shit. jisung had no choice but to comply.

he swept the shards that were on the counter with the sinks into one of his shaking hands. the blood from his knuckles dripped down the back of his hand. 

he was too immersed in the task to notice how the shards of glass were digging into his hand and causing the glass that fell to the floor to become red stained glass. 

his phone rang again from his pocket. he fished it out with the hand that didn’t hold the glass. it was hyunjin, again. 

“hello?” jisung sounded like he was speaking into the phone from miles away.

“sungie where are you? i just got back. you’re not in the dorm, are you really okay?” his voice was laced with concern as he rambled on nervously.

“i’m uh, i’m in the-in the bathroom. i’m okay, hyunjin, i promise.” he lied. the line went silent again. clearly his argument wasn’t convincing enough.


	2. part 2

hyunjin could tell something was up. jisung had been a little off all week, but he tried not to think too much of it. everyone had bad patches sometimes, and he wasn’t the type to pressure him into talking about it. if he wanted to talk, he would come to him, he was sure. 

except now, hyunjin was home late, and the dorm room was empty. he rushed to the bathroom and stopped dead in his tracks as he stared at the boy sitting on his knees with bloody knuckles surrounded by little glass shards.

he caught the other’s eyes in the reflection of one of the larger pieces. hyunjin’s big hands rubbed comforting circles into his shoulders. the shorter boy turned to look at him with his eyes full of stars, only to look away and stare at the floor again. 

“‘m sorry,” he whispered. small dots of red were scattered on his hands, accompanied by equally small, sharp, shiny shards. hyunjin moved his hands to take them in his own. 

jisung didn’t even notice he was crying until he felt his salty tears fall onto his bloodied hands. hyunjin dropped his hands and wrapped his arms around him. the younger’s tiny sobs were muffled by his head being tucked into his neck. 

after his breathing rate went back to normal, hyunjin pulled away to cup his face. “hey,” his eyes looked like he was about to cry, too. “what happened angel?” his tone was careful, not wanting to scare him away.

“i don’t- i don’t know,” he sighed. “i got m-mad and then j-just blanked out. ‘m really sorry, i didn’t mean to make such a mess.” tears welled up in his eyes again, threatening to spill over. hyunjin just shook his head. 

“its alright, the mess is no big deal. we can clean it up later,” he reassured. “i just need to know if you’re okay,” jisung searched for any kind of anger in his eyes, but there was none. only genuine concern and maybe a little bit of fear. of what would’ve happened if he’d arrived later.

god, why was he so stupid? he really couldn’t believe that he wasn’t mad, or at the very least disappointed. it didn’t make sense. he’d fucked up, he should be mad at him, it was a normal response. but he wasn’t, and that only confused jisung.

“c’mon, why don’t we go and clean you up, yeah?” hyunjin pressed a kiss to his forehead, before grabbing onto jisung’s arms and helping him stand. he looked up at him with confusion.

“why aren’t you mad? you should be mad at me,” his voice was distant, like coming from the other side of a window. 

“what do you mean? i could never be mad at my little quokka,” he pinched his cheek lovingly. jisung only pouted as a response, and allowed himself to be picked up and placed on the part of the counter without any glass.

while hyunjin made work of sweeping up the glass on the floor as best he could, someone walked into the bathroom quietly, startling them both.

“hey, i heard a crash- are you okay?” changbin glanced between the two of them and the glass on the floor. 

changbin was a year older than them both, but he was in a few classes with jisung and one with hyunjin. the blonde shot him a reassuring smile and told him that he was fine, and he had it covered. but he wasn’t going to just leave. a few minutes later he came back with a pair of tweezers and some bandaids.

jisung winced as he pulled the glass out of his palms. it was silent in the room with the three of them, only the sound of the buzzing lights overhead filled the room. 

minutes later, most of the glass had been swept off the ground and into the trash cans. jisung’s hands stung but now there were no more mirror pieces, and they were covered in hello kitty bandaids (which he groaned about but secretly thought they were cute).

hyunjin thanked changbin, who asked the blonde to text him so he could make sure he was alright. he did, eventually.

jisung was carried on hyunjin’s back on the way to their room. he plopped the younger down on his bed before removing both of their shoes and climbing under the covers with him. 

hyunjin scooted closer to jisung, raking a hand through his hair and stroking his cheek. he leaned into the touch, closing his eyes. he tried his very best to forget the events of the evening in hopes that if he forgot, hyunjin would too.

he didn’t really know what had caused the sudden outburst. maybe it was him feeling like he didn’t deserve all the love hyunjin gave him, or maybe it was the overwhelming amount of work he had to do by week’s end. maybe it was all of it, combined.

jisung’s mind told him that whatever the reason, it was stupid and he was crazy for doing that. that nobody could ever love someone who doesn’t love themself first.

so he focused on matching his breathing with the blonde’s, and tried to will himself to sleep. hyunjin, however had other plans. 

“sungie, are you asleep angel?” he whispered. jisung opened one eye, scolding himself internally for not pretending to be asleep. he took pride in his ability to fake sleep, but it was too late to take advantage of that ability.

“can we please talk about what happened? i'm worried about you,” hyunjin tilted his head to try and seem less threatening. as if a 5’10 human cinnamon roll was intimidating to begin with.

despite that fact though, jisung’s stomach still churned at his words. he hated when people worried about him. he knew their intentions were good but he couldn’t help the fact that it made him feel like shit for taking up space in their minds. there were other, more important things they should be thinking about.

“i’m really sorry hyuni.” his bottom lip quivered. “for making you worry,” he inhaled slowly, trying to figure out what to say. “i think-, i think i just got lost in my own head, you know? and like, i thought that i didn’t deserve you- or anybody -caring about me. you don’t have to say it’s not true because i uh, i know it's not but it's how i felt at that moment.” after he stopped rambling he looked into the older’s eyes to search for any negative emotion. none was present.

“jisung, it’s totally okay to feel that way sometimes, okay? i’m not gonna stop loving you, ever. even if you beg me on your knees.” hyunjin kissed the top of his head. “i love you for being you, and that’s that.” he pulled him close into his chest.

“i love you too.” he snuggled closer into the older’s chest. a small amount of the weight was lifted off his shoulders. a part of him still felt like he was crazy. but another part of him hoped that even if he was crazy, he wouldn’t be alone. that was enough, more than he could ever ask for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really hate this lmao it doesnt maek sense it was supposed to kinda be a rant but im bad at writing sooooo ://
> 
> lmk if u liked it!! even a lil comment boosts my ego <33
> 
> have a lovely day/night @-@


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